Ambivalent One

New year. For many it's a time of drunken stupor. For me it's work. I was supposed to go out after but I'm off too late and the party is too far for me to get there at a reasonable time. I figure that by the time I got there everyone would already be passed out. Don't get me wrong. There's a lot of fun to be had getting buzzed in a room full of unconscious people. However one of my new year resolutions is not to get killed by a room full of people I don't know. People generally don't respond well to surprise tea baggings.

I still haven't gotten my MP3 player installed. I must wait until Saturday it's very upsetting. I know you all feel my pain. I say you all as if a lot of people read my page. Yeah.

Well, I hope you have a super new years eve time! I know I am! Woot woot!

Posted by Sean at 12/31/2003 04:51:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Is it just me or have you noticed it didn't/doesn't feel like the holiday season at all? I got to thinking about it and the only Christmasey feeling I had when I was at the mall being furiously reamed by the reaming vendors. I think the fact that it's actually raining out right now may be contributing to it. December 29th and it's raining. That's fucked. I don't know if I should be happy about it or worried about the future of the world. It's hard to feel bad about global warming when you can be outside in your spring coat at the end of December... Although I'm fully aware that midway through January it will be a frozen arctic wasteland. I hate winter.

One good thing about this year is that I didn't feel down at all. Christmas is usually somewhat stressful for me. This year I only bought stuff for 5 people (My parents, my brother, Dom and another friend). I think I hate watching people open gifts and realizing it's not what they expected. You know, that brief instant when you see the shoulders sag followed by the boisterous thanking. I think I like any gift, no matter what it is... Within reason. I love getting socks and boxers. Nothing like keeping fresh wraps on your crotch and feet. I'm serious. Give me socks. I think I'll even set up a "Give Sean some socks" foundation.

I start my course soon, it's going to be wicked awesome. Work is going to accommodate my schedule which means I will be working day shifts. I can't wait for that! I'll be able to start going to the gym regularly again and I will be able to have the semblance of a life. It think the worst part of night shifts has been that I haven't been able to hang out with Dom very much (He's been working early morning shifts). I'm done writing now.

Posted by Sean at 12/29/2003 04:43:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

So... I've had the deck just over 24 hours now. I set my wallpaper at work to a picture of my new toy. I'm actually considering calling in sick to get it installed. I'm such a tech junky... it's not funny... I have a problem. I actually had wet dreams last night about it. I think if I could find a woman who can play MP3's and had blue LEDs I would love her more than anyone has ever loved before. So the perfect woman for me would be: Long hair, nice eyes, great smile, get's my sense of humour, enjoys the more simple side of life, likes camping, talking, long drives, loud music, can play MP3's and has a blue LED display. I'm not too picky about where the display is placed. Somewhere easily accessible during... Somewhere easily accessible.

Posted by Sean at 12/27/2003 11:10:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Hope you all had an awesome festivus! I did. I finally got to buy my car MP3 player. I devoted a little time every day for the last year to looking at photos and specs on this player. This last week I’ve been sharing these photos with people around me at work. It’s like I’m the proud father and I’m showing off the product of my loins. Yeah, so I’m happy I have it finally. Now I’m faced with something I hadn’t anticipated. The delay between buying it and having it installed. I’ve had it less than an hour and it’s already tormenting me. The box is sitting on the couch behind me and I can hear it calling to me as I write this. I want to see it’s pretty lights (blue of course), but no… I have to wait a week before I can get it installed. I break in to a sweat just thinking about it. I need the pretty lights… I need them NOW!

Here, look at my baby:
Alpine action!!!

Posted by Sean at 12/26/2003 05:55:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

I get the joy of working Christmas eve until 1:45am. I think that's wicked awesome! Much better than getting together with family and getting shit-faced and eating various snack foods laid out on the kitchen table. I want my wheat thins and assorted spiced tube meats! What I love about the holidays is that the customers you get are the poor people who either live away from their family or they have none. Isn't that festive?! Poor poor losers. If you are reading this on Christmas eve you may be one of them! I guess I can't poke too much fun considering my ass is at work and I'm writing a blog entry... Shit. I'm a loser.

Here are some ultra festive pages for your enjoyment:

tworetards.com
The fart guys
Santa's mistress
Santa's...

Mmmmm... festive... Okay, well I need to uh go to the washroom...yeah. Later.

Posted by Sean at 12/24/2003 10:05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

I had some McDonalds today... So I decide to write about my top 5 food items that cause general discomfort or bodily damage. Let's get to it!

5. Gum with Sorbitol or malitol (fake sugar)
This product is designed to ease your mind by replacing processed sugars with sugar alcohol. Yum. This devious substance will not make you aware of it's downside unless you eat it regularly. Studies have shown that Polyols (Lactitol, Mannitol, Malitol, Sorbitol, Xylitol... Anything ending with "ol") can cause a variety of intestinal fun. Read this

4. Tim Horton's coffee
I think Timmies made a deal with the devil when they created their coffee. It tastes great but damn... it's like an involuntary colonic (What is a colonic?). Although it is supposedly beneficial I think the positive side is negated if you are at work or stuck in your car. After learning my lesson the hard way I have covered my car seat with plastic... Like I'm going to give up coffee...

3. KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken for the acronym impaired)
I chose this for number three because of the fact that after eating substances served by this establishment you see your life flash before your eyes. It's delicious, it smells great... So what exactly is wrong with it? Every time I eat KFC I feel my heart struggling. Here's a good read, I swear to you it's fact.

2. McDonalds - I'm lovin' it
Mmmm mmm good! I think McDonalds food is alive when you eat it. I say this because it seems to go down for a bit and then wants to come out through the nearest available exit. My guess is that it can't hold it's breath very long and then tries to re-surface for air. Read this.

1. Taco Bell
I went to Taco Bell once. NEVER AGAIN. Generally the rule of thumb is if it looks like feces and smells like feces, chances are it's feces. I thought this as I stared down the barrel of my Chalupa. I ate it anyways. I should have known better. I'm convinced that the kitchen is actually the employee washroom. This theory seemed to be reinforced by the grunting I could hear from the back. Upon completion of the vile vile chalupa I immediately knew that something had gone horribly wrong. My vision dimmed and I felt dizzy. Next I felt what can only be described as a Tasmanian Devil trying to rip out of my intestines. I will spare you the details but I'll tell you this, they had to replace the bathroom at work. I would post supporting links but there were far too many. Just take my word for it.

Posted by Sean at 12/23/2003 10:37:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Coca-Cola diaries

Day 1

I've decided to cut sugar out of my diet again. To do this I'm going to have to stop drinking Coca-Cola. It's going great so far. I'm not cranky... Although I do have a small head ache. No pain no gain!

Day 2

I wonder if there are any support groups for recovering Coke drinkers. When my alarm went off today I actually got mad at it. Kind of silly if you think of it... Like the alarm was doing it on purpose to irritate me.
When I got to work some one had the nerve to ask me how I was doing. I just stood there glaring until he walked away. My head ache is a little worse today but I think I'm faring well.

Day 3
Fucking alarm! I'll teach it to fuck with me. Grabbing the boxed demon by the tail I spiked it as hard as I could. I spent twenty minutes punching it's shattered body until it was a fine powder. I feel like my head has been smashed open and there's a little goblin stabbing poison daggers into my exposed brain.
Arriving at work I made my way through the sea of caged animals. My jaw clenched and teeth bared I quickly found a cubicle. I tossed it's inhabitant aside. MY CUBICLE! I can get through this. I listened to my walkman for a bit and managed to calm down some. Suddenly a hand touches my shoulder. My head snaps to the side and I bite off the offending hand. Standing up with blood dripping from my chin I tear off my shirt and let out a blood curdling howl. No pain no gain!

Posted by Sean at 12/22/2003 08:49:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Do you have any friends that have uncanny abilities? I do. My best friend Dom is a ball ninja. He's turned bagging people into an undefeatable combat style/painful art-form. I once saw him take out a guy twenty yards away. It was most impressive. Dom clasped his hands in front of his face, took 3 deep breaths and then snapped his foot forward. His shoe flew off towards the fleeing target, squeezed between his legs and delivered a blow to the back of his scrote (henceforth referred to as "sack back smack"). The recipient of this painful blessing was knocked off his feet and a scream of agony echoed through the neighbourhood.

Play fighting with Dom is gambling with the future of your bloodline. I can only guess at the technology involved with his technique. I've chosen to name this technology "Autonomous ball-heat seeking pain delivery". One time we were fighting and after several glancing blows to the jewels I decided to push him down the stairs. As he's falling his leg shoots out and his toes hook the back of my package and halt his descent. He then used my instinct to curl in to the fetal position to pull himself back up to a standing position. I lay there crying and gasping in agony. I think I found God through this ordeal.

His signature move is the "No lookey fake jab toe curl nut sack back smack". We'll go through this move in detail as it is note worthy. In a confrontation Dom will lock his opponent in what I call "The Gaze". When the victim is fully focused and ready Dom will look away, causing the enemy to look away as well. He then fakes a frontal assault which causes the unsuspecting puppet to instinctively raise his leg to shield the marbles. His foot then changes trajectory, lunging in to the opening caused by the leg being raised. As Dom's foot rushes past the danglies the toes curl back and deliver a powerful sack back smack. When properly executed you will actually hear what sounds like a thunderclap. The recipient dies immediately.

One time as I was walking past Dom's room I saw him sitting on the floor... it looked like he was meditating. Curious, I peeked in to the room. He was sitting cross-legged in front of a full sized anatomically correct mannequin of a man. I was flabbergasted and could only stare in morbid fascination. After about a minute Dom's foot shot out almost faster than I could see and hit the mannequin square in the balls. The ballsack ripped off the mannequin and arced across the room, through the opening in the door and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. Soon after I informed Dom I was moving back home.

Posted by Sean at 12/21/2003 12:14:00 AM | Permalink | Comments

I went through the drive-through at McDonalds the other day. I will only go to this one particular McDonalds... the fact that it's the closest to where I work is beside the point. It's always entertaining. If you go in you don't get greeted by the customary soothing McD's muzak, you get gangster rap. Ask for a big mac without sauce. Here's what happens: "Hi there friendly McDonalds employee! I would like a Big Mac without sauce please and thank you" Turning to the back of the store the nice lady screams "No fucking sauce on the mutha fucking mac bitch!!!"... but I digress... In the drive through I place the order and move up to the pay window. I'm welcomed with "Man it sucks to work here, I'm like the only minority working here... well... everyone's black but I'm the only immigrant." I sit there stunned but laughing. I tell him I don't know what to say to that. I hear a woman in the back yell something. I know her. I tell him that. He asks "Does she flirt with you? She flirts with everyone" To her he screams "Hey Collete, you're a whore" turning back to me he mumbles something about fat shakazulu and takes my money. I think all McDonalds stores should have this kind of service. You should go.

Posted by Sean at 12/20/2003 08:26:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Muffled sounds, like listening to a crowd through water. A voice separates itself from the noise and becomes clear. “…Around 3:30am this morning the Bayview hospital collapsed. Officials have yet to issue a statement. Several witnesses say they saw the building collapse in to itself. The fire department and police are working together to find survivors. We have yet to…” Blurs slowly focus into shapes and the sound becomes clearer. People are eating. Conversations, laughter and the smell of bacon…

Blue sky. It’s cold, I can see my breath rising up and forming little clouds above me. Where am I? Sitting up I look around. This is where I collapsed. How did I get here? Struggling to my feet takes great effort. Have to get home. My surroundings are blurred. Looking at my hands produces a stark contrast. So sharp and vibrant that it’s almost painful to my eyes. Making my way to the street I notice there is no sound, no cars…no people. All I can hear is my own laboured breathing.

Sitting down hard on a park bench I finally accept that there is no way I can make it home. I have no energy left. What is happening? I’ll just wait here, someone is bound to come along. Hours pass as I lie there. No one has come. I feel weaker. Am I dying? It’s so quiet. I feel profoundly alone. Everything is still blurred. Closing my eyes in an effort to clear my vision I open them and see a face looking down at me. Sharp and vibrant. It’s me smiling. “Are you lost?”

Posted by Sean at 12/20/2003 02:37:00 AM | Permalink | Comments

My last post is a story I'm slowly putting together. I will display sections of it here as I complete them.

I was doing Christmas shopping today. I decided I was going to be super friendly to all the people taking my money. They reciprocated. That in itself is not odd. What is though is that I became uncomfortable with the friendly response I got… Maybe I wanted them to be a little more malicious towards me. They were tearing the money out of my wallet after all. The least they could do is make snide remarks and whisper things to each other and cackle about jokes that were presumably at my expense. At least then I wouldn’t have felt so out of place shaking my fist in the air as I was leaving the store, swearing a blood oath that I would someday have sweet luscious revenge.

I was in a store getting a gift for my parents when a barber shop quartet burst into song in the hallway. With a shocked look (mixed with a little fear) I turned into the store to see if anyone else could hear it… just to confirm I wasn’t insane... The sales people were all in tears. I could see a girl in the back curled up in the fetal position. The manager, trying his best to comfort everyone without taking his hands off his ears was scurrying back and forth behind the counter. One of them approached me, her eyes watery. “Wow! That must be irritating!” I said, knowing full well that she wanted me to end her life. I could see it in her eyes. To console her I asked if I could examine a product. She obliged me and for 10 minutes I hummed and hawed as I turned it around in my hand. I don’t know why I did that. I knew I wanted it when I came in the store. I’m just an asshole.

If anyone is reading this I must warn you of one thing. Don’t go to Walmart. Even if you think your life depends on it. I went in there looking for Lord of the Rings – Two Towers… Holy sweet shit. It was like a riot. The employees running around with assault rifles, shooting tear gas into the cashier lines and old ladies having fist fights over bargain lingerie made from burlap. I managed to clamber up on to the surging mob and make my way in to the electronics section. When I got there I could only see one Walmart drone caught in a tug of war between four ENRAGED moms. They were all claiming they were waiting for him first. Finally one of them whipped out a Big Bird, lime green and yellow novelty bat and beat the poor drone to death… then they all fed on his entrails. Turns out that they were fresh out of The Lord of the Rings – Two Towers.

Posted by Sean at 12/19/2003 05:24:00 AM | Permalink | Comments

Wandering the forest usually has a calming effect but not today. Today everything feels wrong. I search through my pocket for my lighter. There it is. It falls from my hand. Fuck, I can’t even hold on to a lighter. Reaching over to pick it up I notice my hand shaking. Why is my hand shaking? A sudden searing pain moves across my face and through my head. Gasping I fall to my knees cradling my head. It won’t stop. It intensifies. I look around me for help… No one’s around, that’s why I come here. The world appears to melt around me as I collapse. I’ll just lie down for a bit.

“We’re not sure if there’s any permanent damage. In all honesty we don’t even know what happened to him or when it started. Our tests are showing ongoing activity indicative of a seizure but he’s not displaying any physical reactions normally associated with a seizure of this magnitude.” The doctor explains this to a very agitated woman. “We’ll let you know more when we know more. I don’t know how but he’s conscious now. Go see him. I imagine he’s a little confused.” Looking towards a room he turns and leaves.

“Much better. I should probably go home.” Opening my eyes I see ceiling where leaves should be. Where am I? I turn my head to the right. A window. It’s dark out. I turn my head back to the left. A door. A door with my mom walking through it! “Mom?!” I ask as if that one word has all my questions bundled within it. “Aaron, I’m so glad you’re okay” She has her hands to her face and tears are streaming down her cheeks. She’s obviously upset but I can’t help but be annoyed at the lack of response to my questions. “Mom?!” I ask again. She walks up to the bed “They found you on a bike path this afternoon” She explains at last. “Were you attacked? What happened?” I tell her about the fight I had with Sarah earlier that day. “I went for a walk to cool off. I felt a sharp pain in my head and then I woke up here. Have you talked to her? Does she know what happened?” I smirk internally. Now she’s going to feel bad. I immediately feel guilty. “She had gone to work by the time you were found. Dad got a hold of her. She’s on her way here now.”

Everyone has gone home now. I’m bored and I can’t sleep. Sarah had come bursting into the room while I was eating my white paste with brown goo on it. It tasted like dirt. She hugged me and wouldn’t stop crying. I felt really bad for worrying her. After much consolation she apologized for cornering me. In the background I hear Dad telling mom how it’s criminal to charge so much for TV in the room with only 13 channels. “Was that TV for me or for you Dad?” I grin sheepishly as he angles the TV so I can watch a little Baywatch as well. I had cherry Jello for desert. Now I get to stare at the blob of light on the wall. Thank god for street lights or I would have nothing to do.

Startled out my sleep by a loud alarm I sit bolt upright in bed. What’s making that sound? I see a box to my left. It’s melting. It must have shorted, I’d better get a nurse in here. It’s then that I notice the wall is melting too. Chunks of ceiling are falling around me like blobs of pudding. I frantically clutch the nurse button in my hand. It oozes out between my fingers. The bed sags and collapses beneath me. The nurse comes running in to the room stares around in disbelief and let’s out a shriek the likes of which I’ve never heard. It stabs at my ears. I can still hear it through my hands. I want to tear my ears off. Make it stop! It echoes and slowly starts to fade. It’s dark and I feel like I’m floating.

Posted by Sean at 12/18/2003 06:50:00 AM | Permalink | Comments